


The Life I Chose to Lead

by FireSoul



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Break Up, F/F, post 4x12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 13:12:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18572200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FireSoul/pseuds/FireSoul
Summary: After their trip into Ava's personal purgatory Sara can't stop thinking about the things they talked about. The thoughts won't let her sleep, and the only way to deal with them is sooner rather than later.





	The Life I Chose to Lead

Sara gasps awake from her nightmare, sucking in as much air as her lungs will permit with a single inhale. She starts to breathe carefully, a practice she perfected long ago. She’s sweating, already sitting up in her bed. She hasn’t had a nightmare in a long time, at least, not one so bad she woke up this panicked.

This one wasn’t like any of the ones that had plagued her after the pit, but it was hell all the same. Even looking around her room, seeing all the familiar things and reminding herself that she is still here, it doesn’t help to calm her racing heart.

More than that, her whole body is shaking, her mind feels like it’s racing fast as her heart, and her stomach is folding over itself until she feels sick.

“I can’t do this.” She mutters to herself.

She feels around her nightstand until she finds her phone, squinting when the light invades her vision. She finds Ava’s contact quickly enough, and only then does she hesitate.

Maybe she can do this.

She shutters at the thought. No, she can’t. This part is going to hurt, but not nearly as bad as it will if she doesn’t send this text.

_“You awake?”_

It only takes a few seconds for those little dots to show up, lighting up through their little dance that only fuels her anxiety.

_“After today? Of course I’m awake.”_

Right, that makes sense.

She takes a deep breath and types out her next text before she can stop herself.

_“Can I come over?”_

It feels like the dots take an eternity this time.

_“Yes.”_

She exhales in relief, even if that relief is quickly replaced by even more anxiety, at least she’s getting somewhere.

Her legs are shaking when she gets out of bed, but she moves around her room quickly. She needs to move. If her body keeps moving her mind will do the same, and if that happens then she won’t have time to stop and panic.

She swaps her pajamas out for the previous days clothes, ties her hair up in a quick bun, and fumbles around her desk for her time courier. When all is said and done she’s outside Ava’s apartment in three minutes flat and knocking.

And now she has to wait.

Maybe she should’ve just portaled into the apartment. After today she isn’t entirely sure where she and Ava stand, although she’s pretty sure they decided they’re still together. Still, even with Ava aware that she’s coming, portaling into her bedroom felt a little intrusive. But now-

Now she’s out of time to think.

Her mind goes blank when the door swings open and reveals Ava, dressed in her comfiest sweatpants and her favorite robe. It’s a reminder of what’s happened today, and it’s her way of dealing. Unfortunately Sara’s way of dealing isn’t as subtle as putting on her favorite pajamas. She still has the buzzing noise of anxiety in the back of her head, reminding her that hitting something isn’t going to work this time.

“Hey.” Ava says, pulling her robe a little tighter and stepping to the side to let her in.

She follows mutely, her eyes instantly drawn to the sight of the apartment still in ruins around them.

A lump forms in her throat; it isn’t like Ava to leave a mess.

She hears the lock click behind her, followed by the sounds of Ava’s footsteps approaching until they’re standing side-by-side and looking at the mess.

“I was too tired to clean it tonight.” She mutters, “After today.”

Sara nods. Maybe she shouldn’t do this. Ava has already been though so much today, over the last two weeks in fact. This is just one more bad thing to add to the list. She should wait, let things pass, and maybe in time…

There’s that sick feeling again.

She licks her lips and looks up at Ava, who is looking at her with so much worry and the realization hits her like ton of bricks that she is already knee deep in this and it’s now or never.

And try as she might, she can’t live with never.

“I’m sorry Ava.” Her voice comes out weaker than she had been expecting. “But I can’t do this.”

All at once it feels like a weight has been lifted from her chest and she wants to be sick. She hate, _hates,_ that she has to do this. But, at the same time, at least she’s made it to the point of no return.

“Do what?” Ava asks, crossing her arms.

“This.” She sighs, “Look, you were right. Building furniture, dirty dishes, and long walks on the beach; that is life. It’s the life you want. But it isn’t the life I want.”

“Sara-”

“No. Listen to me. Ok? Just, for a minute, hear me out.”

She waits, but Ava nods right away, and so she takes a breath and then looks the other woman in the eyes.

“I love you. Ok? I love you, and I am so happy that you’re safe. I want you in my life. But I don’t want the same kind of life you want.”

Ava doesn’t say anything at first. She moves her hand up to her eye and brushes away a tear, which has Sara doing the same.

“Sara I know you’ve been through a lot-”

“It’s not that.” She insists, her voice cracking even more now. “This isn’t about any of the things I’ve had taken away from me.”

“Well then what is it about?”

She takes a step, starts pacing as she tries to think of the best way to explain this.

“I was thirteen when I drank my first glass of wine.” She finally decides to go with, and then she chuckles as she thinks back even further. “I was four when I first tried the monkey bars, six when I first climbed a tree-”

“Sara what does-?”

“I got on a boat with my sister’s boyfriend.” She presses on, “I joined the League of Assassins. Twice.”

She almost wants to laugh thinking back to the 50’s, of how stir crazy she went there after just a few weeks of watching Ray and Kendra playing house.

“I love you, Ava, I always will. But I have spent my entire life chasing adventures, and I finally found the best one-”

“Life has adventures Sara.” Ava cuts her off, her voice thick with unshed tears and Sara wants nothing more than to kiss them all away.

But she can’t.

“Life is an adventure, you don’t have to run away from it-”

“I’m not running away.” Her words are calm, and surprisingly not a lie.

“When I first got on The Waverider, maybe. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with a second chance at life but I found it. In being Captain and saving people.”

“That doesn’t have to be all that you are Sara.” Ava insist with a shake of her head that they both know is nothing but denial. “You could have a future, a family-”

“I know.” She agrees, quietly. “But, if I did that your way, then sooner or later I would have to give up Captaining the ship.”

Ava looks like she wants to argue, even opens her mouth to do so, but she ends up closing it again. They both know she’s right. It wouldn’t have to happen tomorrow, or the next day, or even next year. But the fact of the matter is that someday, if they ever truly wanted a life together, it would happen.

“So what?” Ava finally asks, a sudden anger in her voice. “You’re just going to spend your life barreling your way through time? What happens when you’re too old for that?”

She thinks a minutes, because Ava does have a point.

“I’ll figure that out when I get there.” Ava scoffs at that, her answer to everything, but she presses on. “I would rather do that than resent you for making me give it up thirty years too early.”

Again, Ava wants to argue, Sara can see it in her face. She wants to say that she isn’t forcing her to give up anything, but they both know that’s not true. The minutes tick by in silence and, really, what could either of them say at this point?

So, finally, Sara fishes her time courier from her pocket.

“I’m gonna go.”

She opens the portal, but once it’s there she just stares at it. She feels lighter, the buzzing gone but it’s been replaced by a painful ache. She’ll have to learn to live with that.

She turns back over her shoulder to take one last look at Ava, tears shining in both their eyes. It isn’t like she’s never going to see her again, at the very least that is why she should say something else, if not because she wants to.

“I hope you find everything you’re looking for.”

Ava nods frantically, swiping at her tears.

“You too.”

Sara presses her mouth into a firm line, gives a small nod, and then steps through the portal to her room on The Waverider.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so I have gotten a lot of comments of people having problems with this story. If you would like to have a conversation about this for WHATEVER reason, feel free to pm me on Tumblr @firesoulstuff, as the comment section of a fic isn't really a good place for lengthy discussions.


End file.
